Enough procrastination... time to get my self to a synagogue. I have made the arrangements to go on Saturday morning and honestly, I am really looking forward to it. The last time I was in any type of religious setting was for a wedding... I think that counts!
World Religions class has been over for almost two weeks now and I have not meditated since. Prayer? A few times. It's not that I don't want to because I do, I am just too busy. Too busy for God? I have a feeling that is a common excuse for people to give.
As I sit at Starbucks, I just have a mini reflection session. I was thinking about the weddings I attend and the last few have been Catholic. When the crowd knows what to say in response to the sermon (I think this is the right word) or when they go up for Communion, I feel my body tensing up. Maybe I get a little uncomfortable. Why is that?
I don't believe the people or their faith makes me uncomfortable, I am pretty accepting and open-minded, I thinks its just the thought of organized religion as a whole. So then that means I am a hypocrite because of Buiism! Maybe not considering I don't have any followers to actually be considered a religion. Ok we're still good!
So synagogue Saturday should be fun... and I promise I will not try to convert anyone to Buiism while I am there!
Monday, November 15, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Check
It's that damn game of chess. You always know how to corner me but this time I realize that although by accident, I did this to myself.
What now? I am feeling very vulnerable and scared of what is to come.
I may run away.
Ok that is not true, although it sounds really good at this moment. I am not the girl I was six years ago and I refuse to go back. Check.
What now? I am feeling very vulnerable and scared of what is to come.
I may run away.
Ok that is not true, although it sounds really good at this moment. I am not the girl I was six years ago and I refuse to go back. Check.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Hokey Pokey
Sometimes I am crazy and loud and sometimes I am withdrawn. The one thing I always am, is a little hard on myself.
Yesterday was my last world religions class. When asked how it was, my response was, "It was short, and I cried." I didn't cry because it was over, I cried because of Fowler's Stages of Faith. My professor was reading these stages and I felt stuck in stage two. I am a perfectionist who feels that if I do something wrong, bad things will happen to me. So I cried. In class, quietly.
When I got home, I went through my notebooks from this class and past classes over the last four years and what did I find? Little notes to myself.
"Dear me. You can do better."
"Dear me. Pick up the slack. because I am not proud of you right now."
"Dear me. How could you be so dumb? Ugh."
They were longer and in more detail but I literally began to cry... again. I have always been this way. I feel that everything is my fault. I do not want to be a disappointment.
Then I remembered something from a few hours earlier, "what if the hokey pokey was REALLY what it was all about?" Is life really so serious and stressful that I cannot take a moment to shake it all about?
I cannot guarantee that I will not be hard on myself but it is worth a try. Just like it is worth a try to continue my God blog... especially since no one knows what being a Buiist is all about.
Yesterday was my last world religions class. When asked how it was, my response was, "It was short, and I cried." I didn't cry because it was over, I cried because of Fowler's Stages of Faith. My professor was reading these stages and I felt stuck in stage two. I am a perfectionist who feels that if I do something wrong, bad things will happen to me. So I cried. In class, quietly.
When I got home, I went through my notebooks from this class and past classes over the last four years and what did I find? Little notes to myself.
"Dear me. You can do better."
"Dear me. Pick up the slack. because I am not proud of you right now."
"Dear me. How could you be so dumb? Ugh."
They were longer and in more detail but I literally began to cry... again. I have always been this way. I feel that everything is my fault. I do not want to be a disappointment.
Then I remembered something from a few hours earlier, "what if the hokey pokey was REALLY what it was all about?" Is life really so serious and stressful that I cannot take a moment to shake it all about?
I cannot guarantee that I will not be hard on myself but it is worth a try. Just like it is worth a try to continue my God blog... especially since no one knows what being a Buiist is all about.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Queer
When I write my book about my life, the title will be "My Life as a Country Song." The only problem with that title is that there are so many other songs from different genres that are fitting to my journey.
It's hard to move forward with myself, the people in my life and with God, if I am constantly living in the moments that scare me or sadden me.
There is a song by Garbage, "Queer" that sums up a part of my past that I am ready to be free from:
The lyrics may be confusing or sound dirty but at a point in my life when I was fed up with men and God, this song was perfect.
I guess re-reading that last sentence, the real word that comes to mind is hurt or disappointed.
Now, I can say it. I hated you because it was unfair that you let me be molested and raped not once, not twice but three times. And after all of that, it wasn't enough. But I finally forgave you but I still do not trust you.
It's hard to move forward with myself, the people in my life and with God, if I am constantly living in the moments that scare me or sadden me.
There is a song by Garbage, "Queer" that sums up a part of my past that I am ready to be free from:
"This is what he pays me for I'll show you how it's done You learn to love the pain you feel Like father like son"
The lyrics may be confusing or sound dirty but at a point in my life when I was fed up with men and God, this song was perfect.
I guess re-reading that last sentence, the real word that comes to mind is hurt or disappointed.
Now, I can say it. I hated you because it was unfair that you let me be molested and raped not once, not twice but three times. And after all of that, it wasn't enough. But I finally forgave you but I still do not trust you.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Week Five Reflection
I missed class this week. I wanted to kick myself in the face. I haven't turned in my homework, which I actually have done and I am extremely disappointed with myself these last few weeks.
Meditation-
I put on my iPod, turned on Snow Patrol and started to clean my room. I used that time to reflect on my life. I already knew it was a mess and it was unorganized but when I was finished cleaning and saw how beautiful my room looked, I realized, my life could be the same way. It just takes time and effort.
Prayer-
After weeks of praying for the pain to go away, it is finally subsiding but I am not sure if that makes me happy. This journey of being alone and talking to God is an interesting, yet necessary one.
I still do not know.
Meditation-
I put on my iPod, turned on Snow Patrol and started to clean my room. I used that time to reflect on my life. I already knew it was a mess and it was unorganized but when I was finished cleaning and saw how beautiful my room looked, I realized, my life could be the same way. It just takes time and effort.
Prayer-
After weeks of praying for the pain to go away, it is finally subsiding but I am not sure if that makes me happy. This journey of being alone and talking to God is an interesting, yet necessary one.
I still do not know.
Week Four Reflection
Oh Christianity week...
I do not really have that much to say. This week I was promoted and took on a lot of new responsibilities. Again, I am slightly overwhelmed. Unfortunately I am behind in all aspects of my life, other than work and even in that department I could do better.
Meditation-
No meditation this week.
Prayer-
I tried to pray at night or in the shower but being behind in schoolwork and still dealing with relationship issues have my mind full. I feel like when I am talking, I go off on tangents and then forget where I was going.
I want to be easier but then I wouldn't be me.
I do not really have that much to say. This week I was promoted and took on a lot of new responsibilities. Again, I am slightly overwhelmed. Unfortunately I am behind in all aspects of my life, other than work and even in that department I could do better.
Meditation-
No meditation this week.
Prayer-
I tried to pray at night or in the shower but being behind in schoolwork and still dealing with relationship issues have my mind full. I feel like when I am talking, I go off on tangents and then forget where I was going.
I want to be easier but then I wouldn't be me.
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