God is a Funny __________!

Oh sometimes God has the best sense of humor.

Monday afternoon I am at work and complaining about my procrastination in my World Religions class. I was in the middle of telling my coworkers about my thought process of "out of sight, out of mind" when it came to my homework when who walks through the doors of the Pub??

My professor...

Chicken Pizza and a Beer

I sat across from my roommate last night. I've known him for less than a month, yet there I was eating a chicken and banana pepper pizza, drinking a beer and fighting back tears.

I told him about how I believe in you, although I don't always agree with you. He told me he was an Atheist.

It hurts me to think about everything I have been through these last 24 years and you have never explained to me why? Was I that horrible of a person in a previous life? I guess our one-sided conversations upset me sometimes, I have no idea if you are really listening to me or just laughing at me and deciding your next move.

I know I don't actually believe you are out to get me but sometimes it's hard to go on and feeling like we have a love/hate relationship gives me hope. It's sick and it 's crazy but in a sick, crazy way, it works for me.

I sometimes feel like I am sitting across from you and between us is a Chess game. Although I claim to be good at Chess, I am not and you keep anticipating my next move and you win, every time. I am sick of losing and honestly I am scared that one day I am going to get upset, kick the board and just watch all of the pieces fall to the ground. We have watched it happen before and I am tired of cleaning up the pieces!

What do I do now? I feel weak, I am sad and I feel defeated.

Week Three Reflection

Well I think I'm starting to get better at this whole spiritual practice thing. I realized that I have been super hard on myself these last few weeks and that has reflected in my feelings towards meditation and prayer. I am a work in progress...

Meditation-
I am still not super comfortable with looking in on myself. Sitting quietly by myself makes me feel overwhelmingly lonely, yet I have noticed I have been alone a lot lately. I already know the aspects of myself and my life I need to work on but facing them is a different thing. Last night while meditating, I felt like all of the pain I have been through will one day be worth it. That feeling made me feel calm but then in another instant, I was back to the chaos.

Prayer-
My talks with God have become almost non-existent this week. I have been so busy with working three jobs, going to school, and dealing with a break-up that it's hard to sit and have a conversation with something I don't always feel is listening. When all is said and done, I do enjoy "prayer time," so hopefully going into week four I can get back to my one-way conversations.

Looking back on these last four weeks, I think my spiritual practices and this blog are my favorite part of the class. Of course I enjoy expanding my knowledge of our world's religions but I also can do that alone in my pj's.

Looking ahead though, I am kind of sad the class will be over soon and then my favorite aspects that I mentioned above will somehow fade into the background of my crazy life!

Week Two Reflection

As we head into the third week, I am still struggling with my personal life and school life joining together in this world religions class. Although I am enjoying it more than I thought, the spiritual practices I have chosen, have forced me to reflect on things I have kept away.

But as the assignment goes here's where I'm at:

meditation-

The time alone reflecting in on myself, has left me feeling lonely. I sit and I stare at myself and I ask, "why did I let it get to this?" I do believe everything happens for a reason. but we are also in charge of our destinies, so how and why did I let my life get to a point where I feel lost again?

prayer-

Prayer time these last couple of weeks have taken place in the shower or late night when I cant sleep. I know the thing I am talking to God about are slightly selfish but if he can't listen, then who can? I find myself just asking to be able to be strong. I don't want to go back to the person I was. I rarely regret but who I am now is not who I was before and I still have a long journey to become the person I want to be.

Now what? I have emotions I haven't felt in a very long time lingering inside. I find that my confidence has changed, maybe has hidden. But yet, everyone still thinks I am normal. I just hope I can figure this out before I start retreating away from everyone.

Overwhelmed

This isn't even my main blog about my life but since it is a blog about my religious journey, my feelings and thoughts at the moment will fit well in this blog.

I believe in God. I do. The last 24 years of my life, my relationship with God has been one of love and hate and for a long time there was no relationship at all. No matter what I feel towards God I cannot stop asking "why?" "Why me?"

Karma? Maybe, but if that were true, I was a really, really bad person before. That makes me very sad.

I guess I wanted to write and share the things I was feeling but I just realized I am not ready.

Week One Reflection

I think this class and assignment have come at a bad time for me. I am currently going through a break up, moving to a new place and dealing with issues from my childhood. This last week has made all of these aspects even more difficult for me. But hey, whats another challenge?

For my "spiritual practice," I actually chose two. Meditation and prayer.

Meditation for me came easily. I have chose to sit in front of a mirror and look inward at myself. Physically and mentally. I use to do this for hours as a kid. Back then the time in the mirror would make me feel vulnerable and sad. This time around was no different. For a moment, I wanted to abandon this "spiritual practice," but I think in some way, it will be beneficial to dealing with the stuff I keep inside and hide from everyone.

Prayer was not as easy. Again, reflecting on my childhood, prayer brought me vulnerability and sadness. The only times I would pray would be to ask for my parents not to die, the strength to kill myself or for the pain of my life to stop. After a number of years of realizing prayer didn't work, I gave up. Gave up on prayer and gave up on God.

Back then, my mirror game and my prayer sessions made me hate God. This time will not be the same.