Queer

When I write my book about my life, the title will be "My Life as a Country Song." The only problem with that title is that there are so many other songs from different genres that are fitting to my journey.

It's hard to move forward with myself, the people in my life and with God, if I am constantly living in the moments that scare me or sadden me.

There is a song by Garbage, "Queer" that sums up a part of my past that I am ready to be free from:

"This is what he pays me for I'll show you how it's done You learn to love the pain you feel Like father like son"

The lyrics may be confusing or sound dirty but at a point in my life when I was fed up with men and God, this song was perfect.

I guess re-reading that last sentence, the real word that comes to mind is hurt or disappointed.

Now, I can say it. I hated you because it was unfair that you let me be molested and raped not once, not twice but three times. And after all of that, it wasn't enough. But I finally forgave you but I still do not trust you.