Hokey Pokey

Sometimes I am crazy and loud and sometimes I am withdrawn. The one thing I always am, is a little hard on myself.

Yesterday was my last world religions class. When asked how it was, my response was, "It was short, and I cried." I didn't cry because it was over, I cried because of Fowler's Stages of Faith. My professor was reading these stages and I felt stuck in stage two. I am a perfectionist who feels that if I do something wrong, bad things will happen to me. So I cried. In class, quietly.

When I got home, I went through my notebooks from this class and past classes over the last four years and what did I find? Little notes to myself.

"Dear me. You can do better."
"Dear me. Pick up the slack. because I am not proud of you right now."
"Dear me. How could you be so dumb? Ugh."

They were longer and in more detail but I literally began to cry... again. I have always been this way. I feel that everything is my fault. I do not want to be a disappointment.

Then I remembered something from a few hours earlier, "what if the hokey pokey was REALLY what it was all about?" Is life really so serious and stressful that I cannot take a moment to shake it all about?

I cannot guarantee that I will not be hard on myself but it is worth a try. Just like it is worth a try to continue my God blog... especially since no one knows what being a Buiist is all about.