The Reverend

Last Thursday I met a man. He introduced himself as "The Reverend." A student of theology and a very interesting person.

Of course being me, I introduced myself, shook his hand, smiled sweetly. After a few seconds of small talk I was about to walk away when he looked at me and asked, "What do you believe in?" Considering we were at a corporate networking event, a religious question was the last thing I expected to hear. My answer, "It's complicated, but when I was in seventh grade, I started my own religion, Buiism!"

A few reactions took place in the following seconds. My best friend laughed and walked away, my boyfriend encouraged more questions and the Reverend fell in love. Ok, the last one is a bit of an exaggeration but I never met anyone more interested in hearing about the philosophy that is Buiism.

We talked for awhile, each minute becoming more exciting because we saw eye to eye on the most random points. Soon we bid adieu and promised to keep in touch.

It has been five days since that conversation and I have not kept my end of the promise yet, nor spoke with my best friend that doesn't take Buiism seriously. The only thing I can myself now is, "What would Bob do?"

The Perfect Song...

to describe this blog! Thanks Carolina Liar...

Wait, I'm wrong
Should've done better than this
Please, I'll be strong
I'm finding it hard to resist

So show me what I'm looking for

Save me, I'm lost
Oh Lord I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Oh Lord

Don't let go
I've wanted this far too long
Mistakes become regrets
I've learned to love abuse
Please show me what I'm looking for

It obviously goes on but no need to repeat. Every time this song comes on, I think about my relationship with God and now I also think about this blog. Thought I would share.

Synagogue Saturday!

Enough procrastination... time to get my self to a synagogue. I have made the arrangements to go on Saturday morning and honestly, I am really looking forward to it. The last time I was in any type of religious setting was for a wedding... I think that counts!

World Religions class has been over for almost two weeks now and I have not meditated since. Prayer? A few times. It's not that I don't want to because I do, I am just too busy. Too busy for God? I have a feeling that is a common excuse for people to give.

As I sit at Starbucks, I just have a mini reflection session. I was thinking about the weddings I attend and the last few have been Catholic. When the crowd knows what to say in response to the sermon (I think this is the right word) or when they go up for Communion, I feel my body tensing up. Maybe I get a little uncomfortable. Why is that?

I don't believe the people or their faith makes me uncomfortable, I am pretty accepting and open-minded, I thinks its just the thought of organized religion as a whole. So then that means I am a hypocrite because of Buiism! Maybe not considering I don't have any followers to actually be considered a religion. Ok we're still good!

So synagogue Saturday should be fun... and I promise I will not try to convert anyone to Buiism while I am there!

Check

It's that damn game of chess. You always know how to corner me but this time I realize that although by accident, I did this to myself.

What now? I am feeling very vulnerable and scared of what is to come.

I may run away.

Ok that is not true, although it sounds really good at this moment. I am not the girl I was six years ago and I refuse to go back. Check.

Hokey Pokey

Sometimes I am crazy and loud and sometimes I am withdrawn. The one thing I always am, is a little hard on myself.

Yesterday was my last world religions class. When asked how it was, my response was, "It was short, and I cried." I didn't cry because it was over, I cried because of Fowler's Stages of Faith. My professor was reading these stages and I felt stuck in stage two. I am a perfectionist who feels that if I do something wrong, bad things will happen to me. So I cried. In class, quietly.

When I got home, I went through my notebooks from this class and past classes over the last four years and what did I find? Little notes to myself.

"Dear me. You can do better."
"Dear me. Pick up the slack. because I am not proud of you right now."
"Dear me. How could you be so dumb? Ugh."

They were longer and in more detail but I literally began to cry... again. I have always been this way. I feel that everything is my fault. I do not want to be a disappointment.

Then I remembered something from a few hours earlier, "what if the hokey pokey was REALLY what it was all about?" Is life really so serious and stressful that I cannot take a moment to shake it all about?

I cannot guarantee that I will not be hard on myself but it is worth a try. Just like it is worth a try to continue my God blog... especially since no one knows what being a Buiist is all about.

Queer

When I write my book about my life, the title will be "My Life as a Country Song." The only problem with that title is that there are so many other songs from different genres that are fitting to my journey.

It's hard to move forward with myself, the people in my life and with God, if I am constantly living in the moments that scare me or sadden me.

There is a song by Garbage, "Queer" that sums up a part of my past that I am ready to be free from:

"This is what he pays me for I'll show you how it's done You learn to love the pain you feel Like father like son"

The lyrics may be confusing or sound dirty but at a point in my life when I was fed up with men and God, this song was perfect.

I guess re-reading that last sentence, the real word that comes to mind is hurt or disappointed.

Now, I can say it. I hated you because it was unfair that you let me be molested and raped not once, not twice but three times. And after all of that, it wasn't enough. But I finally forgave you but I still do not trust you.

Week Five Reflection

I missed class this week. I wanted to kick myself in the face. I haven't turned in my homework, which I actually have done and I am extremely disappointed with myself these last few weeks.

Meditation-
I put on my iPod, turned on Snow Patrol and started to clean my room. I used that time to reflect on my life. I already knew it was a mess and it was unorganized but when I was finished cleaning and saw how beautiful my room looked, I realized, my life could be the same way. It just takes time and effort.

Prayer-
After weeks of praying for the pain to go away, it is finally subsiding but I am not sure if that makes me happy. This journey of being alone and talking to God is an interesting, yet necessary one.

I still do not know.

Week Four Reflection

Oh Christianity week...

I do not really have that much to say. This week I was promoted and took on a lot of new responsibilities. Again, I am slightly overwhelmed. Unfortunately I am behind in all aspects of my life, other than work and even in that department I could do better.

Meditation-
No meditation this week.

Prayer-
I tried to pray at night or in the shower but being behind in schoolwork and still dealing with relationship issues have my mind full. I feel like when I am talking, I go off on tangents and then forget where I was going.

I want to be easier but then I wouldn't be me.

God is a Funny __________!

Oh sometimes God has the best sense of humor.

Monday afternoon I am at work and complaining about my procrastination in my World Religions class. I was in the middle of telling my coworkers about my thought process of "out of sight, out of mind" when it came to my homework when who walks through the doors of the Pub??

My professor...

Chicken Pizza and a Beer

I sat across from my roommate last night. I've known him for less than a month, yet there I was eating a chicken and banana pepper pizza, drinking a beer and fighting back tears.

I told him about how I believe in you, although I don't always agree with you. He told me he was an Atheist.

It hurts me to think about everything I have been through these last 24 years and you have never explained to me why? Was I that horrible of a person in a previous life? I guess our one-sided conversations upset me sometimes, I have no idea if you are really listening to me or just laughing at me and deciding your next move.

I know I don't actually believe you are out to get me but sometimes it's hard to go on and feeling like we have a love/hate relationship gives me hope. It's sick and it 's crazy but in a sick, crazy way, it works for me.

I sometimes feel like I am sitting across from you and between us is a Chess game. Although I claim to be good at Chess, I am not and you keep anticipating my next move and you win, every time. I am sick of losing and honestly I am scared that one day I am going to get upset, kick the board and just watch all of the pieces fall to the ground. We have watched it happen before and I am tired of cleaning up the pieces!

What do I do now? I feel weak, I am sad and I feel defeated.

Week Three Reflection

Well I think I'm starting to get better at this whole spiritual practice thing. I realized that I have been super hard on myself these last few weeks and that has reflected in my feelings towards meditation and prayer. I am a work in progress...

Meditation-
I am still not super comfortable with looking in on myself. Sitting quietly by myself makes me feel overwhelmingly lonely, yet I have noticed I have been alone a lot lately. I already know the aspects of myself and my life I need to work on but facing them is a different thing. Last night while meditating, I felt like all of the pain I have been through will one day be worth it. That feeling made me feel calm but then in another instant, I was back to the chaos.

Prayer-
My talks with God have become almost non-existent this week. I have been so busy with working three jobs, going to school, and dealing with a break-up that it's hard to sit and have a conversation with something I don't always feel is listening. When all is said and done, I do enjoy "prayer time," so hopefully going into week four I can get back to my one-way conversations.

Looking back on these last four weeks, I think my spiritual practices and this blog are my favorite part of the class. Of course I enjoy expanding my knowledge of our world's religions but I also can do that alone in my pj's.

Looking ahead though, I am kind of sad the class will be over soon and then my favorite aspects that I mentioned above will somehow fade into the background of my crazy life!

Week Two Reflection

As we head into the third week, I am still struggling with my personal life and school life joining together in this world religions class. Although I am enjoying it more than I thought, the spiritual practices I have chosen, have forced me to reflect on things I have kept away.

But as the assignment goes here's where I'm at:

meditation-

The time alone reflecting in on myself, has left me feeling lonely. I sit and I stare at myself and I ask, "why did I let it get to this?" I do believe everything happens for a reason. but we are also in charge of our destinies, so how and why did I let my life get to a point where I feel lost again?

prayer-

Prayer time these last couple of weeks have taken place in the shower or late night when I cant sleep. I know the thing I am talking to God about are slightly selfish but if he can't listen, then who can? I find myself just asking to be able to be strong. I don't want to go back to the person I was. I rarely regret but who I am now is not who I was before and I still have a long journey to become the person I want to be.

Now what? I have emotions I haven't felt in a very long time lingering inside. I find that my confidence has changed, maybe has hidden. But yet, everyone still thinks I am normal. I just hope I can figure this out before I start retreating away from everyone.

Overwhelmed

This isn't even my main blog about my life but since it is a blog about my religious journey, my feelings and thoughts at the moment will fit well in this blog.

I believe in God. I do. The last 24 years of my life, my relationship with God has been one of love and hate and for a long time there was no relationship at all. No matter what I feel towards God I cannot stop asking "why?" "Why me?"

Karma? Maybe, but if that were true, I was a really, really bad person before. That makes me very sad.

I guess I wanted to write and share the things I was feeling but I just realized I am not ready.

Week One Reflection

I think this class and assignment have come at a bad time for me. I am currently going through a break up, moving to a new place and dealing with issues from my childhood. This last week has made all of these aspects even more difficult for me. But hey, whats another challenge?

For my "spiritual practice," I actually chose two. Meditation and prayer.

Meditation for me came easily. I have chose to sit in front of a mirror and look inward at myself. Physically and mentally. I use to do this for hours as a kid. Back then the time in the mirror would make me feel vulnerable and sad. This time around was no different. For a moment, I wanted to abandon this "spiritual practice," but I think in some way, it will be beneficial to dealing with the stuff I keep inside and hide from everyone.

Prayer was not as easy. Again, reflecting on my childhood, prayer brought me vulnerability and sadness. The only times I would pray would be to ask for my parents not to die, the strength to kill myself or for the pain of my life to stop. After a number of years of realizing prayer didn't work, I gave up. Gave up on prayer and gave up on God.

Back then, my mirror game and my prayer sessions made me hate God. This time will not be the same.

Why are you reading me?

This blog is designed for my world religions class at Franklin University, located in Columbus, OH.

I had the option to handwrite, type or blog my weekly journal entries on the different religions we will be discussing and researching throughout this six week course. I obviously chose to blog.

Of course, I will be following my course requirement of "journaling" but this blog has become so much more, in the very little time it has been created.

The rumors are true... I have so much passion inside of my petite, little frame, but I do lose interest in things quickly. I hope this course and this blog allow me to express myself through the new things I will learn while also sharing with you, my readers, a little about the journey I am on with religion in my own life. Which means, I hope after the six week requirement, I do not grow bored and forget all about you!

A few things I should point out before I end my first post:

1. I know you haven't heard any rumors about me yet.

2. My "readers": will most likely only consist of my professor.

3. Yes, you will soon find out what Buiism is all about!